077

Let me start off by saying guys are HORRIBLE at picking up hints. I really wanna hang out with Matt for New Years Eve so I can make out with him at the strike of 12, but he's obviously not realizing that's what I want to do. Sooo, he's hanging out with his friends and I'm probably going to my grandma's. My grandfather isn't doing well right now at all. I've been in denial about his health for so long. I just have it in my head that he's this invincible person who is going to live forever. I can't imagine my life without him. My grandparents practically raised me. They used to live next door to me and I always spent the night with them. They really had a big part of raising me considering I spent most of my childhood with them. I don't have many memories of being with my mom when I was a child but I have so many of my grandfather and I. He bought us both a horse so we could ride around his land together. I remember riding around on his four wheeler as a kid and being so nervous I was going to fall off, but I knew Papa would never let anything happen to me. Saturday afternoons in the summer consisted of naps in the hammock between these two big pecan trees in the backyard. In my world there was no such thing as being a Daddy's girl. I was always 'Papa's girl'. You could argue with me all day long but I know that I have the coolest grandfather in the world. He still acts like a kid sometimes and I love that about him. He always tells the best stories and something he does is always making me laugh. Anyone who has ever met my grandfather has fallen in love with his witty personality. My roommate from my freshman year of college spent one weekend with me & my grandparents and said he's someone she'll never forget. He can make a friend like nobody I've ever seen. The nurses at the hospital can't help but love him. In case I have acted cold towards you lately, maybe now you'll understand why. It's so hard to sit around trying to cope with the fact that you may be losing someone who means the world to you. There's no easy way to react to that. I feel like I'm going to lose him, but I just can't. He's one of the most important people in the world to me, and nobody could ever mean more than that.


OH YEAH, AND I FUCKIN LOVE JOCEY SO MUCH !
After all the shit, I can definitely say that's my ride or die chickenhead bitch.
If none of that bullshit affected our friendship, nothing can.
BRING IT ON, DICKFUCKIN' FAG.

076

So I'd have to say it's been a while since I've blogged.
I haven't really had a reason to.

Guess I'll update you.
I'm all moved into my apartment, although it's still a total wreck and I still have to put my futon together. My neighbor is a retired military sergeant, which means no parties, ha. Except he travels all the time so he's never home anyway. His 'lady friend' just sold her farm and so she has like bookoodles of shit they're just dying to give me. If the furniture isn't too hideous, I just might accept the offer. I'm loving the holidays, but I'm so broke it's not even funny. I only bought my mom a gift. I'm not even getting my friends anything. I have like 50 dollars to my name at this point. So, they'll just have to be giftless and still love me. Last night, I went to my Dad's to visit. I haven't seen him in over a year. It went much better than I planned. Today I went to see my Papa in Atlanta at St. Joseph's hospital. He's doing better & could be going home tomorrow if all goes well. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a Christmas party at my friend Paul's house. I still don't have a gift for that. Great. Christmas day at 5, I'm going to a get together with my dad's side of the family at my Aunt Paula's. Later that night is a birthday get together for my friend Malisa's daughter who is finally turning ONE! Yayyyyy. Gotta get a gift for that too. I'm not sure when exactly I'll be going back to Valdosta .. probably the 27th or the 28th. Anyway, I'm super excited about it allllll. I'll update again after Christmas probably.

075

I'll keep it short & sweet today.
It's Friday. Which means ...

I'M MOVING INTO MY APARTMENT!

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am.

And I'll save that story for another time because I'm leaving for my final in 3 minutes.
My move in appointment is at 11.

I won't be online unless its on my phone for a while.
So, have fun.

<3

I'll blog again when I get the chance.

074

Three finals down, one to go. I'm trying to stay confident in myself and pray that I did well on my finals so far. I know I passed my English one with flying colors. I feel like I missed no more than two questions, but those were the ones I felt iffy about. Today I have to finish packing up all my random shit and take it out to my car. Stephanie's going to let me keep a few things in her Tahoe since it's gigantic and my little car is just .. little. After that I can sweep and mop and then I have to see if my RA will check me out early. Tomorrow I'll gather up the little that I needed in my room for tonight & tomorrow morning-- probably just bedding, toiletries & dirty clothes. Go take my final at 8 and then as soon as it's over I can go get my car and put the remaining stuff in it. After that I'm probably going to get breakfast or lunch somewhere and then be at Spring Chase by 11 to sign my lease, pay the first & second month's rent and get my key. Then I'll take a look around my new place, probably jump up and down and scream, run around, then bring all my stuff inside except my clothes and leave to go home. Unless you text or call, you won't be speaking to me this weekend, boohoo. In fact, unless I can mooch off someone else's internet in my apartment, you won't be able to speak to me until AT&T mails me my modem. No cable, no internet. Good Lord, I'll be bored. At least I have movies. :)
Um, back to the story, unless you text or call you won't be able to talk to me [boo hoo] because I'll be crazily and hurridly packing to move all my shit from up there to here. I'm excited but it feels like things are moving so fast right now. It's like, what? 14 days til Christmas? Life is moving way too fast.

073

This is probably the first day in a while that I've actually WANTED to wake up as early as I did. I got out of bed at 9:15, showered and studied more for my English final. It's not until 12:15, but I'm as ready as I'm going to be. I was actually going over the material in my mind when I was using the bathroom and when I was in the shower. A+, here I come! Hah. Around 11, Erica, Adam & I are going to the dining hall then probably will hang outside and quiz each other. It's the only final I have today, so afterwards I have to come back and pack up the clothes I'm not going to wear for the rest of the week, then study for my two finals tomorrow. I'm getting anxious because I need to pack up my car and I don't want to wait until the last minute so I may actually start doing that tonight. I'll probably go ahead and pack up my clothes, microwave and refrigerator. If I can fit it in my car, I'll put this little shelf I used for food and drinks in there too. My mom has to work this weekend, so she said I may not be able to take my dresser down here until later. I'm like okay so what am I gonna put my clothes in? GHETTOOOO. Anyways, I'm glad I'll be back down here on Sunday in my new place. However, I won't have shit in here but furniture. I'll have to use plastic utensils and cups and shit and I have no idea what I'm going to eat. Oh well. Alright, well I have to use the bathroom again [oops, I had ice cream last night] and by that time it'll be time to meet up with Adam & Erica.

Alright, see ya.

072

You know, you can only miss someone for so long before you stop & notice the person who has been there the whole time.


My roommate will not SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh wait, I think she finally did. I really hope so. Like, it's 1:30 AM. I honestly hope she doesn't plan on doing this every night because I will cut out her trachea. It's motherfucking FINALS WEEK. This is unacceptable. I know we don't have class today but seriously. I was asleep until her singing woke me up. So, yeah. She's practicing for her auditions and she's singing this horrible song. I feel like I'm in a musical right now except the music SUCKS. Seriously. Good lord. AJ was trying to get me to scheme on their asses. Talkin' bout punching them, pissing on their beds, etc. He's just horrible.


So my roommate has vaginitis. Too fucking sick. I'm actually shocked because she has so many summer's eve products in her closet. Disgusting. I really can't stand her so I thought you would all like to know. Uh, yeah .. that's all for now, I suppose.

Adios.

070

So today has been complete Hell, but I suppose it's getting better. When I went out last night, I lost my VSU ID. Book buybacks were today, so I had to buy another one, which cost 15 dollars. On top of that, I decided to go ahead and pay the damage fee I & the entire dorm got charged because dumb ass freshman don't know how to clean up after themselves. After all that shit, my day seemed to level off. I sold two of my books back, but I only got 60 dollars out of them. Pissed me off because I know I spent about 200 on them, but that's how these things work. No class tomorrow because it's dead day. I'm going to keep packing tonight so I won't have as much to do tomorrow and the rest of the week. I have to call Spring Chase and find out my address so I can call the power company and have them turn the power on. Then I have to get my phone & internet set up. I have to study for my finals tomorrow also.

Wednesday- World Lit final @ 12:30 PM
Thursday- Geography final @ 8 AM
Education final @ 10:15 AM
Friday- Math final @ 8 AM

So in between all that, basically all I have to do is study & pack. I'm not sure how often I'll actually be at the computer because I definitely have more important things I need to be doing. I'm most excited about Friday .. moving into my apartment!

4 DAYS.

069

I have never been more ready to get the fuck out of this dorm. For the past week I've been packing, so my room has been messy. It's the end of the year, I'm trying to leave and I really don't give a fuck anymore. These bitches, also known as my suitemates sat in my room while they thought I was sleeping, and were talking shit about me. I was laying in my bed because their loudassness woke me up and I heard them talking shit. I was like REALLY? You're gonna be talking shit in my room while you think I'm asleep? Hell the fuck no. I got up out of bed, slammed the door and went to piss. I heard their bitch asses laughing too. They best not try to talk to me, touch or use any of my shit or I swear. It's gonna be some issues. I really don't give a fuck anymore. There are FIVE days left. That's just too damn long.

068

I love Stephanie to death, forever.
Our conversations are insane, lmao.
I'm going to a movie with her tomorrow, but I have no idea what we'll see yet.

From now on, I think I'm going to save my 'relationship' issues for my irl friends and this blog. I'm starting to feel a total lack of trust with people, and I get the feeling that things are not being kept between me and whomever I'm discussing it with. My online contact list is getting smaller and smaller. I feel that eventually it'll get to the point where I won't even sign on anymore. Of course I'll still keep my blog so nosy people can see what's going on with me. Not too long ago someone asked me why I keep a blog and I'll tell you exactly why. I can sit here and blog about all my issues. I can vent and get everything out and my blog isn't going to say shit back. No criticism, no asshole-ishness. None of that bullshit. Of course I do respect some of you for being so honest with me because sometimes it's what I need, but not all the time. I don't want to constantly hear criticism. Give me some positive feedback, damn. If all we're spitting out is negativity, what's the point? I feel like things are getting to where I'm so bitter towards people and they're bitter towards me. I don't know what has brought us to this point, but something has got to give. I've been trying to stay positive but it has to come both ways. Try to be happy for me. I'm to blame also because maybe I shouldn't even talk about it anymore, which is what I was getting at in the first place.

It's officially Saturday.
Which means ...
6 DAYS UNTIL I MOVE IN MY APARTMENT!
I think I may not be on Y! for a while during that time.
I'll have a lot of cleaning&unpacking to do, then once I go home I'll have even more cleaning & lots of packing to do. I'll be back & forth from Valdosta to Athens a good bit, plus I have a lot of catching up to do with some people from Athens and a couple of holiday parties. So I may just let you all miss me, although I'm sure none of you will. To be honest, I won't miss many of you either so it's okay.





I'M NOT OVER.

067

It's funny how things work, hah. As soon as you start to REALLY like someone, out of nowhere men come flocking at your feet. It's not even that they do it just because they see I'm interested in someone either. They don't even know I'm already interested in someone. Who? These two guys from home both want to talk to me. I used to hook up with Markel whenever I came home from school. I know he cares, but I don't really want to talk to him. Lee, well .. I definitely lost my virginity to his brother. I'm not completely sure but I think there's some kind of rule that says that's not allowed. Not to mention he has a baby on the way and I'm not trying to get involved in that. Markel called me picky. I wouldn't say that I'm picky, I just know what I want and they don't fit the description. The other thing that bothers me about Lee is that he has been texting me non-stop for the past 27 hours. I have absolutely nothing to talk to him about, he's just asking me the same questions over and over again. GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK! When I start to get really close to someone, they start to irritate me. God damn, give me my space. Don't call me 5 times a day. Ignore me a little. Make me miss you. I love that. Trust me, it works. When I don't talk to a guy I like, I'm like damn, where the hell is he? That doesn't mean that whoever is reading this should just go off and ignore me. Someone, whom I won't mention, is already like that. Not purposely, but sometimes I just don't speak to him for a day or two. Then when I finally do, I tell him that I miss him and I honestly mean it. Sometimes I'm not sure if he even believes that I like him or that I care about him. Guess what, loverface? I do.

I saw Twilight tonight and I must say I'd love to find a vampire boyfriend. That movie was pretty hot. Now I'm ready for the others! I'm still a little sick, but I think I'm getting over it. Today officially marks ONE WEEK until I move into my apartment.

Adios.


Oh, P.S.
Chats, phone sex, web cam all night. Instant Message, that's right, baby you can have whatever you typeeee.

066

I used to love the thrill of the chase..

Let me just say I love Jocey so freaking much. She always keeps it real with me, even if it's not what I want to hear. Sometimes I really just need someone to give it to me like she does. She always has my best interest at heart and I love her to death for that.

Back to the first part. I'm sure that everyone has experienced 'the chase' at least once in their lives. If not, I pity and envy you at the same time. It starts off fun. You really think that person is worth fighting for and the act of actually trying to get their attention is exciting. After a while, it starts to get old. You're only gonna chase someone for so long before you get bored and tired. Maybe that's my issue. I'm always chasing. Shit, I wanna be chased. But I know for a fact that I wouldn't just stop; I would purposely trip so he could not only catch me, but help me up. At the moment I feel like I'm being chased while chasing someone else. I can't make up my mind. One is perfect for me, the other I want so bad to be perfect. One is more of a physical thing and the other seems more than that. I definitely feel connected. Then again, I could be completely wrong. Maybe I'm not being chased, after all. I've already put myself out there and let him know how I feel.. I just don't know where he stands. Sometimes I feel completely ridiculous. Thoughts run through my head of "he doesn't like you" and "he probably tells this to every girl", but what do men expect? There has to be some reason why I'm not getting the same "I like you" that I gave him.

I'm sure I'm wasting my time, honestly. I know for sure I'm being chased by this guy from my hometown. He called me picky, but I honestly don't want to be with him. He's good for cuddling and kissing and neck biting, but I don't want him for anything more. That sounds horrible, but I can't help how I feel. I think I like to feel ... affectionate. Cuddling and all that, but never going as far as sex. For all I care, he can honestly chase me the rest of my life. I'm not only running, but hiding. Don't think I'm leading him on either because I'm not. We're not currently speaking to each other.

To be honest, that's really all that's currently on my mind. I have a math test tomorrow. I need to shower so I can study. I bought two new pairs of pj shorts at Old Navy today & the slippers I wanted so bad. They're so cute and warm. I'm just sitting here thinking about shit with my reindeer pj's, the faux fur hood on my hoodie up & my sweater boot slippers on. All I need is some hot chocolate and a Christmas movie. I suppose I'm done venting for now, though.

now stop & let me catch you already.

edit:
It's so funny how as soon as I mention the dude from home, he calls me. He hung up on me last Wednesday and all of a sudden he hits me up TODAY. Doesn't matter because I didn't pick up the phone. He left me a voicemail, which I finally checked. All it said was "Call me back when you get this". I was expecting an "I'm sorry for being a dickwad, please call me back because I miss you" in which case I STILL wouldn't call him back.