90

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now:
10- I feel us drifting apart. I miss the middle & high school days.
9- Fuck you for everything you did.
8- You're fucking up my credit.
7- You're no saint.
6- I love you, but I don't like you all the time.
5- You're beautiful.
4- I love our little heart to hearts-- staying up 'til 4 AM talking about whatever comes to mind. Men, love, sex, lies.
3- You know I luh you, right? But..
2- I'm sorry for shit in the past, but I'm so thankful we got over that & are close again.
1- I love you so, so much & I miss you more & more every day. I promise to make you proud.


9-things people might not know about you:
9- I can flex my tits.
8- I'm so sarcastic, I can't even tell when I'm being sarcastic. Sad.
7- I hate shoes. Oh wait, everyone knows that.
6- Although rude to most, I would give the world to my friends. I actually have a big heart that most don't get the chance to see.
5- I'm ready for my life to begin-- a family of my own, BABIES! & such. I'm a little behind on even accomplishing that. Depressing.
4- I've never worked up to my potential.
3- I often try to picture my life 5 years from now. I have no idea what to expect.
2- Jocey still thinks I'm black. Maybe I am.
1- I hate cleaning. It takes me forever to clean because I get distracted. In fact, right now, I'm in the process of cleaning up my apartment. And what's that looking like? I'm sitting here filling this out for my blog.

8 ways to win your heart:
8- make me laugh.
7- cuddle with me.
6- sing to me.
5- be honest.
4- say cute, corny shit. frequently.
3- don't be an asshole.
2- go out of your way to make me smile.
1- watch & enjoy the girly movies that make me cry.

7 awesome movies:
7- In Her Shoes
6- Wanted
5- P.S. I Love You
4- Crank
3- Pineapple Express
2- The Notebook
1- Zoolander

6 things you do before you fall asleep:
6- Wash my face
5- Brush my teeth
4- Play bubble breaker on my phone
3- Text someone
2- :shifty: Guess.
1- Turn on some kind of light.



5 things you don't like:
5- stuck up assholes.
4- Walmart during the day; especially on a weekend.
3- stanky leg; really? you look gay.
2- people who stare; you're really just asking me to shout 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!'
1- metal forks.

4 people who mean a lot:
4- Mama E & Papa
3- All my friends
2- Family
1- Me

3 things you like:
3- men
2- throwing parties
1- smoking my hookah

2 things you want to do before you die:
2- Travel all over the world
1- Live as if I'm dying.

1 confession:
You could read every blog I have ever written, but you will never actually know me.

089

So I was supposed to have my freak nasty party a few weeks ago, but since my grandfather had been sent to the hospice house and I needed to go home and see him, we decided to reschedule. Well, I had rescheduled it to this Saturday, but now everyone is busy and shit. So there it goes, afuckinggain. UGHHHHH. I'm in such a pissy mood now. I was actually looking forward to it. And now, I have absolutely nothing to do this weekend, so it's going to seriously suck so much fucking cock. I'm so pissed off. Grrrrrrrrrr. I'm too spontaneous for back up plans. But you know what? Lately, everytime I try to plan something, the shit doesn't work out. It's never on me either. My friends suck ass. In fact, I use that word lightly. Last weekend, I kind of found out who my friends are. You may not know me as a nice person, but to my friends.. I would give the world. It really hurts me when people treat me less than I would them. I really needed my friends there; I really needed that shoulder. But let me tell you something, I didn't get shit. If I had a friend who was in the same situation, I WOULD be there for them. I'd call & make sure they were ok, give them a visit, do whatever. Why was nobody here to do that for me? You'r probably thinking that it was just my grandfather passing away, so it's not a big deal. Well, there's where you're wrong. My grandfather meant the world to me, in fact, he took a huge part in raising me. I respect him far more than I could ever respect my own Dad. So losing him was like losing a parent. I'm not being unappreciative for those who were there.. I can count about 3 and it probably isn't you. Are we so busy with our own lives that we can't take the time to make sure a friend is doing okay? That's what I thought.

088

My grandfather died on Thursday.
I literally got to the hospice maybe 5 minutes before he passed.
When I walked in, they were taking his pulse and his heartbeat was barely there.
He was asleep.
I told him that I love him so much and that I'm going to miss him.
I never in my life thought I would watch somebody die, but I did.

Saturday at 2 was the visitation at the funeral home. It was a bunch of people who 'haven't seen me since I was knee high' and I had absolutely no idea who they were, but they all knew me. Gotta love that. There isn't a funeral or anything. He wanted to be cremated so tomorrow we're going to spread his remains where he wants them. I didn't cry at all at the funeral home but tomorrow I think I'm going to lose it. There have been a few people who have been here for me. People I wasn't expecting. Then, there were the ones I needed support from the most that weren't even there. I know I have to move on with my life, but sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. Where were you?

There's more I want to blog about, but it isn't appropriate in this one. Later on in the week, I'll fill you in on other things.

I swear I miss him so much. I'm almost in denial that he's gone. I've decided on my tattoo. I'm getting 3 bear paws on my foot. I have to make sure they're recognizable as bear paws because if anyone asks me why I have dog tracks on my foot, they're going to get stabbed. My grandma gave me his favorite slippers he used to always wear and I've been wearing the hell out of them. I drag my feet when I walk and so did he. So when I walk in them it always makes me think my grandfather is walking behind me, but I realize it's only me.

087

I'm boy crazy.

& I think I know what my problem is.

I love the attention I get from guys. Love it. Any decent looking guy who gives me that attention, I 'like'. But then, I start to lose interest. I think I lose interest before they get the chance to. The whole 'leave before she's left' kind of deal. The only problem is, I think I lose interest before they get a chance to really know me on that level to where they'd be interested.

I like someone at this moment. I've been drooling over him for the past 2 weeks. I've never been a shy person EXCEPT when it comes to guys that I like. I really gotta work on that this week.

086

FUCK YEAH.

Sorry about that. I'm back to my normal 'life is fucking great' mood. Where to start? I applied to work at Applebee's today. I'm sitting waiting to be interviewed like 'What the hell am I doing here? I have no fucking work experience.' Jobs really irritate me. Places want people with experience, but nobody will hire so a bitch can gain some experience. Anyway, I applied as hostess and I need to call the dude back on Monday to see if there is anyone who can work with my school schedule. Only problem is, I forgot his name. I think his name is Arnold. Tomorrow, I'm going to call and ask what the assistant manager's name was. Shit. Anyway, I also applied at the Applebee's on the other side of town, so hopefully I'll hear back from them soon. I bought a hookah last night. It's purple & pretty. I bought sour apple and grape tobacco. It's gonna be gooooood. I'm ready for that shit. I just need it to be here by Valentine's day. Why? Well, I'm throwing a Fuck Cupid party at my apartment. I'm fucking excited, dude. Like, I'm counting down the days to Valentine's Day this year. Stephanie is my Valentine. Haha. Matt decides that I'm only allowed to have one Valentine so I guess his ass is going to find a new one. Go figure. He didn't want to be my Valentine anyway. Back to the party. We're drinking, smoking & doing whatever else comes to mind. I'm telling everyone they're not allowed to show up with a date, but they're more than welcome to leave with one. I can't decide if I want to make jello shots or not. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to. We're also all bringing a little Valentine's gift to exchange and what not. I'm probably buying a vibrator or some flavored lube as my gift and I think Steph is buying a vibrating cock ring. That's hilarious. I'm making the cheese dip that everyone LOVED last time and Steph will probably make some cupcakes. I invited this guy named Erik to come and turns out he just bought a hookah like two days ago. So, we're gonna have 3 hookahs? JACKPOT. Dude is super cute. I'm like, IN LOVE with his eyes. He gets that a lot, though. I was good at my last party. I was a little drunk, but still responsible. Probably because David was trying to get in every bitch's panties that were here. He asked me the next day if I was flirting with him at the party. I told him "Honey, I was flirting with everyone. Including Garrett & he's gay." Yeah, that was a hit below the belt, but dude deserved it. This time ... David will not be attending. I must say that I can't make any promises about being on my best behavior. After all, Erik is coming. So are hopefully a few of my hoes from different area codes. This party may get a little slutty. Not quite on the giant orgy level, but that's just because I'm stingy & don't like sharing. I swear, ever since Stephanie's sister moved out & I got my apartment... we're just going wild. Not in that bad way that sheltered teens who finally get some freedom go wild, but I mean, we're just having so much fun. I'm telling you, Valentine's Day can NOT possibly come any sooner. Hurry, bitch.