085

I GOT MY MOTHAFUCKIN' CHECK, BITCHES!

Put that shit in the bank today; $3,985.50 =]. Plus my precious grandma sent me 20, so i deposited 4 thou in that shit. Since I got it today, I deposited it in the bank & Steph met me there, then followed me back to my apt so she could go in the gate behind me. They'll cut my phone back on as soon as I pay the bill, lmfao. Gotta do that sometime on Monday. First I'm paying my rent through May so I won't have to worry about that. I really need to get a job, though. That needs to be my goal for this week. So anyway, back to the story. Stephanie came over for lunch. I made tacos! Yummy, biatch. Those were some bomb ass tacos. Then, we went to Sam's Club. All I got was water. I buy my aquafina water there-- it's the best kind. But anyway, you get a pack of 32 for like 4.58. That's a fucking deal, dude. After Sam' s Club, we hit up the tanning bed. I got my membership today. Delicious. I'm ready to be blackkkkk. I got the level 2 month package & a lotion. With the January special, I got 20% off the month & lotion plus I got a 10% student discount. That's what I'm talking about. Dropped Stephanie off back at the apartment & then I decided I wanted to go to Target. I finally got some cute stuff to semi-decorate my bathroom. I'm not quite done yet, but it's cute for now.


My bathroom is small as shit. Luckily, it's just me living here, though. If there were anyone else here, it'd be shitty. But, whatever. Next thing to decorate is my living room, but my mom's paying for all that. I'm trying to convince my grandma to give me one of her LCD tv's. I think she'll give in within the next few weeks. She doesn't need 4 tv's in her house. Especially now that my grandfather is being sent to live in a nursing home. He's been in the hospital for like 2 months straight. He started acting funny. He was thinking my grandma was cheating on him with some Tom guy.. some old celebrity apparently. At first it was kinda funny, but it's getting to the point where it isn't anymore. But anyway, they found out he has some form of dimensia. So I guess he's going to a nursing home where they specialize in patients with dimensia. I don't think he knows yet, so that should be interesting to see how that goes. It's really upsetting my grandma to see him like that and I can't imagine how bad my grandfather will feel when he finds out. It just sucks to have to sit back and watch him go through this and know there's nothing you can do about it. I'm getting my tattoo for him pretty soon. I'm considering getting it as soon as next weekend, but I plan on getting it on my foot so I'm kinda nervous. I might chicken out. I might need more time. Who knows. Anyway, for the most part, things are going much better than they were last time I blogged. I mean, hey.. I actually have food now. No more starvation dieting. Hollaaaaaaa!

084

Let me start off by saying fuck you.

This goes out to anyone who may be reading this. This especially goes out to the motherfuckers at the bursary who need to hurry up and send my damn check. Also to the motherfuckers hauling dirt off our property who need to pay the fuck up. At this point, I am fucking broke. El broke-o. You know? Poor. NO FUCKING MONEY. Didn't pay my phone bill, so that shit got cut off. I only used that shit to let people in the gate anyway. You know what I have to eat in my kitchen right now? Probably 8 tater tots & 7 french toast sticks. I got some dry cereal I can eat with no milk. I doubt I'll get my check from the bursary until maybe next tuesday. WTF am I going to eat until then? I have 1.64 in my checking acount. Yeah, I can get something off the dollar menu one day when I'm absolutely starving. I haven't eaten shit today. I called my mom to ask her about the dirt check because she's giving me some of it when they get it. Still haven't. I told her what I have to eat in my kitchen. You know what she told me? "I know how that is." This woman borrowed MY CREDIT CARD to pay bills and that's all she's gonna tell me? She's not gonna oh, say, offer me 20 fucking dollars so I can buy some groceries? Really? She hasn't even paid the shit off for me yet. So all the fuck it's doing is running up interest & fucking up MY CREDIT. She said "Maybe you can go eat dinner at Stephanie's." Yeah, I'm going to go over there for the next week and bum a fucking meal off of her. Sike, bitch. Sike.

You know, when a dude starts to like you.. you feel flattered at first. Like, that's cute. Eventually dude just starts getting annoying. This dude named Adam is infatuated. He will not leave me the fuck alone. He fucking memorized my schedule or either wrote it down. He texted me @ 2 to ask me if I was out of my lab yet. THEN he texted me @ 4:30 to ask me if I was out of class. Dude, leave me the fuck alone. I sign on facebook and dude fb chats me as soon as he or I gets on. If I sign off, he'll text me. Does a bitch need to change her number? Goddamn. Now he's on fb chat bugging me to tell him what the fuck is wrong with me. Here's what's wrong with me: YOU, BITCH.

You know, for now I think I'm done venting.
Everybody got problems. Nobody gives a damn about your problems.

True story.

083

I was having the best year ever. I had classes I enjoyed-- bowling, psychology, geography .. integrated science was OKAY. I mean, my classes are enjoyable. I'm getting my refund check soon and it'll be in a range of anywhere in the 2000-5000 dollar range. I'm planning on paying my rent through may and use the rest for things I need. My mom's coming down here soon to take me shopping for my apartment. I'm being confident and having SO MUCH FUN. Meeting new people, making new friends. Stephanie's party was a total success and I love her friends she invited [except David, which I'll get to later, if I remember]. We're going to start throwing more party/get togethers. Stephanie just bought a hookah, and I'm getting one soon. We're about to get crazy. That's life & school. Everything is great with those. But then comes love. I'm sure you've read my other entries talking about Matt. I like him, a lot. He likes me. He even tells my friends that he likes me a lot. So what's the problem? Almost nothing in the world is worse than not knowing two things: if you like a person more than they like you and if they also like someone else. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time. When it comes to relationships, I can be pretty insecure. I don't need someone constantly assuring me that "I'm the only one" but at the same time, I don't wanna feel like there are others. When you're feeling even a tad bit heartbroken, it seems you always hear love songs. Only reminding you of what you don't have. Song after song after song. As if no other songs exist on your itunes except the sappy shits that float around in your head all day. The same songs that made you smile the day before giving you hope about what is to come. Back to Matt, though. His birthday is coming up. I was going to go back home to Athens so I could take him out for his birthday. Now, I'm not so sure. I already feel like I'm wasting my time, so why waste my money? Last night Stephanie spent the night and we stayed up all night talking about old high school, middle school, and life long crushes.. and him. We were up til 4 am; three hours, people. I couldn't help it but I just kept bringing him up. Then today I start to realize I'm probably not the only person he likes. We talk every day, but that doesn't mean he doesn't call other people. Hell, he's in Atlanta. Only God knows what he's doing. Last night I did tell Stephanie one thing that I'm constantly telling myself. I told her that I'm not cocky, but if Matt doesn't realize that we should be together, he's not the sharpest tac in the box. We have the most crazy & random shit in common. The more that I learn about him, the more we seem to have in common. It's like screaming out HELLO! BE TOGETHER! The only thing stopping us is 240 minutes. I just said for him to go ahead because he'll never find anyone like me. Of course I didn't tell him this because I'm not that kind of person. Not to mention, it'd be my luck that he already had someone BETTER than me. Seriously, good luck to him finding someone with the same eye color, someone whose moms share the same hair color [RED, not just some common color], who has the same favorite kind of cookie, whose grandparents also have a cabin in the mountains [within an hour of each other], who shares the same taste in music & overall the same taste in movies .. on top of everything else we have in common. Those types of people come once in a lifetime. I'm not giving up just yet.. I'm not ready to give up. I just know I'm gonna end up broken, though. I'm nervous about talking to him tonight. I know I'm gonna still be in the same kind of mood I am in now. I'm usually this excited, happy, laugh-at-everything-he-says type of person. I don't think I can be that right now. I may just not pick up the phone tonight. I'm not sure. If I could just get this part of my life under control, I'd be living the best life ever.

You can't have it all, though.

082

So, Stephanie's party was a total SUCCESS! BTW, that's my boo Garrett up there & yes, he's wearing a tiara. He's a fckn princess, yo. I just met him at the party and omggggg, I'm in love with a gay man. He was SO hilarious. By the end of the night, everyone who was still here were all in my room sitting on the floor like it was a club meeting. Garrett started calling people and cussing them out. It was on some immature shit you'd do at a middle school sleepover but it was TOO FUNNY. Well, to start back at the top, I woke up Saturday at about 11. I was supposed to wake up earlier, but oops. A bitch be tired. Stephanie came over & we went to eat at Chili's so she could get her free dessert since it was her birthday. We then hit up Walmart and came back and started cleaning, decorating, cooking and getting ready. The party started at 9 but people didn't really start getting here until about 10:30. Stephanie made some bomb ass cheese dip and everyone was huddled around the pot eating that shit alllll night long. I got pissed because my camera is officially fucked. So whenever I get my refund check, I'm gonna pay my rent through May & then buy a new one. Back to the party. We played circle of death, which got most of us drunk. I kept drinking all through the night and even made David's ass get up and make me another at like 2 AM. Needless to say, I woke up feeling like a whole lotta shit. Garrett was doing splits all night and bending himself in all different kinds of positions and he showed me his drag pics. Haha, he's so cute. I noticed that when I'm drunk I call everyone 'honey'. Stephanie's friend passed out in my bed. I was pretty pissed because I wanted to sleep in my own damn bed but I just let it go because she's a guest. The dude that I had a crush on for over a year [but am now over since I have my new boo Matt] showed up and I was all over him the entire night. Oops, he has a girlfriend. I gave him some of my drink and apparently accidentally spilled it on him. Then I was feeling to see if it was wet, which I didn't feel shit, and I ended up just rubbing his chest and then laughing. He probably felt awkward but whatever. Then I was all over David after Lu left. David was trying to bone everyone, though. I was like scratching his head and shit and he told me he was getting turned on so I was like 'mm be right back'. I had to go find where Stephanie was. Haha, can't be having any of that. Finally David left and Matt got home from the club so he called me. Apparently Stephanie told us to get married and so I started talking to him about getting married. I'm glad as fuck that we were both drunk. Today he told me I was talking about all kinda shit. Awkward. Whatever, though. That's my baby. I was disappointed that he couldn't come down here for Stephanie's bday but it's pretty far so I can't blame him. His birthday is in like a month so I wanna go up to Atlanta to spend it with him. ♥ We have crazy shit in common and I like him, I like him, I like him a lot. I'm getting to the point where it's hard for me to fall asleep if I don't talk to him that night. Uh oh, I feel an addiction coming on.

So basically, the party was a success. Met some fun ass people & I'm happy I didn't pass out & wake up not remembering anything.

081

I was just sitting here and happened to look down at a scar I have on the side of my wrist. I thought back to how I got the scar, which is really dumb but I even remember the day I got it. I was in fifth grade and having to take this etiquette course called Perfectly Polished; that worked out really well because I'm world's best mannered young lady, right? Sike. Anyway, we basically learned things like how to set a table correctly and we learned different dances like the electric slide and the fox trot. Then we had to perform all the dances we learned at some formal thing in front of all our parents. Since I had done such a great job, and it was hot as hell in the summer, my mom bought me [and my brother] a water gun. I was trying to open it with a knife and accidentally stabbed myself in the side of my wrist. Uninteresting story, I know, but after remembering the story behind that scar, I started to look around for other scars and reminisce on how, when and where they happened. Some people hate scars; they think they're ugly. If I had a face full of scars, I'm sure I would too. However, I personally think scars are beautiful. They tell a story about where a person has been; it really tells a lot.




So, pick a scar & tell me the story behind it in a comment.

079

I went to the hospital today to see my grandfather. Yesterday he got to where he couldn't breathe again so they had to put him back on the ventilator. He knew we were there, though. It was really difficult for me to look at him because I hate seeing him like that. I've never seen anyone in person who had a feeding tube or a ventilator, so it was difficult, especially with him being someone I'm so close to. It was really emotional, but it pushed me further with my decision of getting a tattoo that represents him.

To change the mood of things, let me take this time to LAUGH OUT FUCKING LOUD at a certain ngabtch I no longer speak to. He's a pitiful excuse for a man. His ass must have fallen out of a tree and bumped his head several times on the way down because he's playing like he caught amnesia all of a sudden. Bitch, that shit ain't contagious. He's the bud of mine & Jocey's jokes because I swear I've never met a motherfucker so stupid. He's especially dumb for thinking so of me and Jocey. Like we ain't gonna end up telling each other shit. Actin' like I'm 'not his type' then a nga gonna get asshurt when he sees a dude in my display. Yeah, aight, ho.

I'm going up to the hospital tomorrow so I'm going to see if Matt will come up there with me and go to lunch afterwards with my mom & I. It'll be cute. ^_^ I know his ass isn't doing anything since he doesn't have a job anymore. That was uncalled for, but he said it himself. It's going to be emotional again tomorrow, but I think my grandfather will be doing better. They're slowly taking him off his meds so he'll be more alert. Not to mention Matt being there will make it better for me. Yayyyy!

Oh yeah, I know you like my song too. Craig David is so delicious. He needs to bring his ass over to America so I can stalk him and possibly get a restraining order. God, that'd be amazing.



Welllll . I guess that's it.
HOLLA, BITCH.

078

Happy New Years.

I haven't really even bothered with making a resolution. That's how I am, though. I don't want to be lame like everyone else and promise to do something that won't end up happening. This year, however, I am going to make a few changes. With my grandfather's health declining, it's really taught me to cherish the people who mean the most to me. If I love them, I need to tell them. It's scary not knowing if you'll get the chance to tell someone how you feel. Today's my grandmother's birthday and she got the best present she could ever wish for. My grandfather got taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his own. I only told Jocey about it because I feel like she's my go to bitch. I've noticed some people's fakeness coming out, and it's hard to know what's real these days. As much as Jocey & I have been through, I feel like I can really tell her anything. I trust that bitch & she's my ride or die. We'll probably be shooting up your house later this week, so you better keep your ass at your minimum wage popular restaurant. We'll shoot that bitch up too. Anyway, I'm getting a tattoo for my grandfather. I'm not sure when. I'll probably wait a while for it. I'm getting a bear; probably just a simple outline shaded in. Nothing extravagant. I'm not sure where I want it but I know that I want it to be somewhere that I can see it. I picked a bear because not only is it my grandfather's favorite animal, but if I believed in reincarnation, he would've been a bear in his former life. Throughout his sickness, he's kept strong and overcame it everytime. Especially this week. Most importantly, he's my papa bear. :) So, this tattoo will really mean a lot to me. Everytime I look at it, it'll remind me to stay strong and keep on living. "Bear" with it. Haha. That was cheesey, I know. Let's see. I think that's about it. But thanks to my papa, this year has started off amazing.