083

I was having the best year ever. I had classes I enjoyed-- bowling, psychology, geography .. integrated science was OKAY. I mean, my classes are enjoyable. I'm getting my refund check soon and it'll be in a range of anywhere in the 2000-5000 dollar range. I'm planning on paying my rent through may and use the rest for things I need. My mom's coming down here soon to take me shopping for my apartment. I'm being confident and having SO MUCH FUN. Meeting new people, making new friends. Stephanie's party was a total success and I love her friends she invited [except David, which I'll get to later, if I remember]. We're going to start throwing more party/get togethers. Stephanie just bought a hookah, and I'm getting one soon. We're about to get crazy. That's life & school. Everything is great with those. But then comes love. I'm sure you've read my other entries talking about Matt. I like him, a lot. He likes me. He even tells my friends that he likes me a lot. So what's the problem? Almost nothing in the world is worse than not knowing two things: if you like a person more than they like you and if they also like someone else. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time. When it comes to relationships, I can be pretty insecure. I don't need someone constantly assuring me that "I'm the only one" but at the same time, I don't wanna feel like there are others. When you're feeling even a tad bit heartbroken, it seems you always hear love songs. Only reminding you of what you don't have. Song after song after song. As if no other songs exist on your itunes except the sappy shits that float around in your head all day. The same songs that made you smile the day before giving you hope about what is to come. Back to Matt, though. His birthday is coming up. I was going to go back home to Athens so I could take him out for his birthday. Now, I'm not so sure. I already feel like I'm wasting my time, so why waste my money? Last night Stephanie spent the night and we stayed up all night talking about old high school, middle school, and life long crushes.. and him. We were up til 4 am; three hours, people. I couldn't help it but I just kept bringing him up. Then today I start to realize I'm probably not the only person he likes. We talk every day, but that doesn't mean he doesn't call other people. Hell, he's in Atlanta. Only God knows what he's doing. Last night I did tell Stephanie one thing that I'm constantly telling myself. I told her that I'm not cocky, but if Matt doesn't realize that we should be together, he's not the sharpest tac in the box. We have the most crazy & random shit in common. The more that I learn about him, the more we seem to have in common. It's like screaming out HELLO! BE TOGETHER! The only thing stopping us is 240 minutes. I just said for him to go ahead because he'll never find anyone like me. Of course I didn't tell him this because I'm not that kind of person. Not to mention, it'd be my luck that he already had someone BETTER than me. Seriously, good luck to him finding someone with the same eye color, someone whose moms share the same hair color [RED, not just some common color], who has the same favorite kind of cookie, whose grandparents also have a cabin in the mountains [within an hour of each other], who shares the same taste in music & overall the same taste in movies .. on top of everything else we have in common. Those types of people come once in a lifetime. I'm not giving up just yet.. I'm not ready to give up. I just know I'm gonna end up broken, though. I'm nervous about talking to him tonight. I know I'm gonna still be in the same kind of mood I am in now. I'm usually this excited, happy, laugh-at-everything-he-says type of person. I don't think I can be that right now. I may just not pick up the phone tonight. I'm not sure. If I could just get this part of my life under control, I'd be living the best life ever.

You can't have it all, though.