056

So, wow. Where to begin?
Two days ago, I was having a wonderful week. So how is it that in so little time my week could quickly be turned to shit? It was bound to happen, I guess. I knew I was just too happy and I rarely am. With me, if things are just going great for me, I know it's too good to be true and something terrible will end up happening to fuck it all up. Call me pessimistic, but whatever. Sometimes what I need is just someone to remind me that I'm going to be okay and just be there. I don't want to hear the reality of shit. I don't want to be told what's my fault in the situation or any of that shit and I certainly don't want to hear I deserve it. I have nobody in my life like that. What I need is someone to just fucking be there. Listen to me bitch, rub my back as I cry and tell me I'll be fine. Nobody has ever done that for me and I feel it's what I need. I guess that's why I have this blog. I just complain and pour out my heart. Sure the blog can't tell me I'll be okay, but at least it's not telling me what all I did to fuck up.

I find myself in tears for no reason. When I'm with my friends, I'm fine. As soon as I'm alone I can't get it off my mind. I feel dumb about shit. I don't want to go into details because it's not some shit I just wanna tell everyone who reads my blog. If I trusted you enough to let you know, then you'd know by now. Ha, trust.. such a hard thing to get from me. I think what's funny is that a lot of people think I trust them. I could count on my hands, maybe just one, the number of people I actually trust. I won't name them. I guess when it comes down to it, I should never feel screwed over because I never really trusted them in the first place. I will admit I let my guard down a good bit and that's what really ends up fucking me up. I'm building a wall around my heart and one day nobody will have the opportunity to have feelings for me because they won't be returned. It's not what I want and it's not what I need, but I really can't think of anymore options.

Aside from all that bullshit, things have just been super stressful. I'm so ready to get my own place because I know my life will be so much less stressful.

I'm probably depressed; I wouldn't be surprised. So before you come at me the wrong way, read this as almost a disclosure. Anything negative you say will just end up making it worse. There's no such thing as tough love with me because I'm always going to take it personally and it's always going to put me down. That's my issue, but you don't have to be like that in the first place.

I guess that's the gist of it.