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Talk less, Say more.

Sound familiar? It's one thing in my life I haven't yet mastered. I always end up saying too much. I have a lot on my mind right now. I'm at this point in my life where I'm really not happy. Sometimes I just like, fall into these .. moments of sadness. I'm not going to call it depression because I don't think it's that serious. I'm honestly just not happy. I just keep to myself for the most part. I feel like my friends and I are drifting apart, especially me & my best. We have that kind of friendship where we don't have to say that we'll always be there for each other because we just feel that we always will. I know she'd be there for me and she knows I'd be there for her. We don't have to tell each other that. But lately I feel like that's not even the case. I've been home for summer since the beginning of May and I could probably count on two hands the number of times I've seen her. She didn't even make it to my birthday get together. Nonetheless, she spends every weekend with her boyfriend. Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I know everyone is changing, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who has changed. I blame myself for everything, honestly. I'm pretty outspoken, but this time I have kept my mouth shut. Every time I speak my opinion, shit hits the fan. I'm starting to wonder if keeping this to myself is worse than speaking on it. This overwhelming feeling of sadness isn't like me at all. I'm always laughing. Even my IM's are filled with LMAO's & LOL's. It's just not like me. I know a lot of how I'm feeling has to do with personal issues going on in my life that I don't wish to share with the entire world. I'm trying so hard to change and just be a better person.

Big ups to Brooke's blog today. That shit hit close to home. It's as if she took exactly what's inscribed on my heart and typed it out. I try to just let things happen, but I get so impatient. I try to act like I'm not waiting for *him to come to me, but I really am. Sometimes I feel like it's never going to happen. That's probably my greatest fear-- to spend my life alone. I always end up feeling like no matter what I do, I'm never good enough for anyone. It seems like a lot of friends my age have already found someone special and here I am with nobody. I'm sorry if this feels like a pity blog where I'm begging you to feel sorry for me. That's really not it at all. I'm just feeling a need to express myself.

Never in my life have I felt so ugly or unwanted. Not just physically, but in every way. I really don't like who I am. There's so much I need to change, but I swear to God I'm so weak. I feel like the reason I feel like I do is because I let people control my happiness. I let people hurt me. I need to learn to do things for myself and only myself. Let me control how I feel. That's what I'm going to work on this week. Pleasing myself. Fuck everyone in this world who has ever done anything to put me down and fuck everyone in this world who will ever try. From this point forward, the only person who matters to me .. is me.

While, we're on that subject, if you don't like who I am, how I act, or what I'm doing .. remove me from your life because you can be damn sure that I'm removing you from mine. All this negative shit has got to go. You're not running my life anymore.

On that note, adios.

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
-Wally 'Famous' Amos